From A Distance (Christmas Version) Bette Midler
4 December 2017, 12:48
Nowadays, the 25th December is a time to celebrate family and friends, eat as much as humanly possible and veg on the sofa watching Christmas classics. These are the 25 things that will definitely happen during your Christmas dinner…
1. The dinner starts with everyone trying to get the best seat
You mum/mother-in-law already made an intricate seating plan, but after twenty seconds that’s gone out of the window.
2. Cousin Michael gets too hyped and pulls their cracker early
Classic attention seeking young’uns.
3. Your mum gets all passive-aggressive because no one is lending a hand in the kitchen
Ohh but if you dared to actually get in the way there would be real trouble!
4. Someone authoritative decides it’s the real cracker-pulling time
Be careful, if you don’t let the little ones win there will be trouble.
5. Your gran gets sassy when someone refuses to wear their Christmas hat (usually a too-cool-for-school older cousin)
Usually including the classic “this isn’t a fashion parade” line.
6. At least one paper hat will rip
If it belongs to a little one, expect tears.
7. Something comes out the oven and it’s burnt
Cue a mutter of “I told you they didn’t need to be in for that long” from Dad.
8. The turkey comes out the oven and everyone just stares, just for a minute
In this day and age, someone will probably try Instagram it. Shortly followed by a telling off for using their phone at the dinner table.
9. Dad comes off the subs bench to carve the turkey, but Mum’s having none of it
No room for glory hunters at this dinner table!
10. You fill up your plates with as much food as possible
You know you probably won’t be able to finish it, but it’s not worth the risk of having extra roast potato envy.
11. The brussel sprouts are passed around
It’s a no from you, but Uncle Fred will no doubt save the day.
12. Someone takes too much gravy and leaves barely any for everyone else
13. “Elbows off the table!”
*quietly mutters* sorry *scowls*
14. Someone feeds some ham to the dog when they think no one else is looking
Or when they think no one else is watching
15. Someone has FAR too much to drink
Just make sure it’s not you.
16. OH NO! You get a serious case of eyes-bigger-than-your-stomach syndrome
Will you ever be not full again?
17. Gran starts to panic that you won’t be finished your food in time for the Queen’s speech
Little does she know there’s a handy little thing called catchup TV.
18. Turns out there was in fact an extra potato…the polite but ferocious fight begins
You smile, you laugh, you may already eaten six, but you want THAT one, dammit.
19. The Christmas Pudding comes out
You’re SO full, but it is Christmas…treat yo’self!
20. Cheese and wine time
Is there any better combination?
21. You realise there’s going to be enough leftovers to take you through to the new year
22. Gran gets bored and turns the conversation back to the Queen’s speech
What colour is Her Majesty going to wear this year? Will it be pastels or brights? Cue a ten-minute discussion on the merits of lemon yellow hats…
23. An argument appears out of no-where
Time to get the board games out as a little bit of forced family bonding time.
24. The board game didn’t last long so you head off to watch Christmas television and maybe un-do one notch of your belt
Surely it’s basically illegal to not watch Home Alone, Elf or The Muppet’s Christmas Carol at least once on Christmas Day?!
25. You’ve probably totally forgotten about the one family member who’s tidying up from dinner
But you’re too full to move now. Oh well!