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The Smooth Late Show with Martin Collins 10pm - 1am
3 December 2020, 13:03
For every 'Last Christmas' and 'Fairytale of New York' you get these...
Pretty much everyone and their dog have given a Christmas song or album a go over the years, but this inevitably leads to a lot of efforts not exactly going down in history.
We've collected 20 of the very least appealing festive tunes that would most definitely end any Christmas party...
Back in the 1980s, if you had a hit TV series, you usually released a single for the fun of it.
With Minder a huge hit, they decided to release a Christmas single, in which Waterman and Cole's characters Terry and Arthur pondered what to get Arthur's unseen wife as a present, in the form of a cockney rap-type-thing.
We'll let it off for being a tongue-in-cheek bit of fun, but look at the lack of oomph the Top of the Pops audience give it when the lads awkwardly perform it live.
While the original version is a bonafide Christmas classic, and the 20th anniversary version in 2004 just about decent enough to get away with it, the other two updates were just... no.
1989's Band Aid II was a Stock, Aitken and Waterman mess with a hugely dated sound, and stars like Bros and Sonia not exactly replicating Paul Young and George Michael.
2014's Band Aid 30, meanwhile, was a rather lacklustre affair, with altered lyrics, strange artist choices (Sinead O'Connor and a few YouTubers for no apparent reason) and little fanfare in comparison. We bet you forgot it even happened.
You know what everyone loves? Mariah Carey's 1994 Christmas classic.
You know what everyone didn't want? Mariah Carey's 1994 Christmas classic updated to feature Justin Bieber.
Love Wizzard? Love The Wombles?
How about fusing them together to create a chorus that simply doesn't fit and sounds totally wrong. Almost so ridiculous that it's good.
In 1989, the nation became strangely obsessed with this partying rabbit DJ, which fused a load of oldies using one generic drumbeat. It was a simpler time.
To capitalise on this, he almost scored that year's Christmas number one with a megamix of Christmas classics all in one, from Slade to Wizzard to... Gary Glitter.
We desperately want to enjoy Bob Dylan's festive collection Christmas in the Heart, but...
Bob's unique drawl works on moving folk gems, but on tunes like 'Winter Wonderland' and 'Here Comes Santa Claus', it just feels like some sort of weird fever dream.
It's easy to mock Sir Cliff for his Christmas efforts over the years, but you can't deny that 'Mistletoe and Wine' and 'Saviour's Day' were classics.
'The Millennium Prayer' is incredibly divisive, and even 'Santa's List' was decent enough. But this 2006 number two hit didn't exactly have staying power. Sorry, Cliff!
In the years before The X Factor took a stranglehold on the Christmas number one, Simon Cowell didn't always time it right.
The second series of Pop Idol in 2003 ran over into early 2004, meaning there wouldn't be a winner's single at the top for Christmas. Instead, all the forgettable finalists teamed up to cover John Lennon's peace anthem, with obviously terrible results.
The most depressing Christmas song of all time comes courtesy of this bizarre album track from John Denver in 1973.
We love a bit of a drunken merriment (see The Pogues), but this is a toughie to listen to.
Christina Aguilera has an amazing voice, without doubt. But like many top singers, she can't help but sometimes turn a beautiful melody into a dreadful warbling noise.
Case and point: her version of the carol 'O Holy Night'. Our ears!
An outright strange song by Christian country group NewSong, here. The music video alone is a sight to behold.
If you can't bare to listen to it (we don't blame you), the song recounts the events experienced by a man finishing the last of his gift-shopping on Christmas Eve. He is waiting in the checkout line behind a young boy who wants to buy a pair of shoes for his terminally-ill mother.
She will die soon and he wants her to appear nice before Jesus. However, he is short on money and the singer pays for the shoes, reminding him of the true meaning of Christmas.
An innuendo-filled pop nightmare from someone who usually knows better!
We're still hoping for a full album of 'actual' Christmas songs from Gaga one day, because this is bordering on diabolical.
This actually reached number 25 in the UK chart.
Can you imagine listening to the entirety of 'Merry, Merry Christmas' every single December? We bet there's at least one die-hard NKOTB fan that does.
Highlights include 'Funky, Funky Xmas' and 'This One's for the Children'. We'll hand it to them, at least the majority of the album was original songs they wrote themselves. If that counts as a good thing.
For any Star Wars fans out there who think that The Last Jedi was the worst thing that has ever happened to it, think again.
Not only was there the dreadful Star Wars Christmas TV special, but there was also this 1980 album Christmas in the Stars.
The album features Star Wars-themed Christmas songs and stories about a droid factory where the robots make toys year-round for 'S. Claus', starring C3PO actor Anthony Daniels. Why? Don't worry about it.
It's easy to forget that the Cheeky Girls had a surprising amount of hit singles, despite being the joke act from Popstars: The Rivals who didn't even reach the live finals.
We're not sure what constitutes a 'cheeky' Christmas, but we assume it involves skimpy hotpants and a general sense of shame.
Yep, this happened.
Two years after his Christmas number one triumph, Noel Edmonds and Blobby tried it again, but this time they barely made the top 40.
The reason? Because it was this weirdly sombre ballad that still terrifies anyone who heard it to this day.
It was bad enough that Crazy Frog somehow managed to score a top 5 hit with a version of 'Jingle Bells' in 2005, but a year later 'he' dared to cover Wham!
Amazingly, enough people bought this monstrosity to get it to number 16. We're almost impressed that it happened at all.