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7 December 2021, 16:43
For every 'Last Christmas' and 'Fairytale of New York' you get these...
Pretty much everyone and their dog have given a Christmas song or album a go over the years, but this inevitably leads to a lot of efforts not exactly going down in history.
We've collected 20 of the very least appealing festive tunes that would most definitely end any Christmas party...
DENNIS WATERMAN & GEORGE COLE - WHAT ARE WE GONNA ER INDOORS LIVE ON TOTP AGY
Back in the 1980s, if you had a hit TV series, you usually released a single for the fun of it.
With Minder a huge hit, they decided to release a Christmas single, in which Waterman and Cole's characters Terry and Arthur pondered what to get Arthur's unseen wife as a present, in the form of a cockney rap-type-thing.
We'll let it off for being a tongue-in-cheek bit of fun, but look at the lack of oomph the Top of the Pops audience give it when the lads awkwardly perform it live.
Band Aid 30 - Do They Know It’s Christmas? (2014)
While the original version is a bonafide Christmas classic, and the 20th anniversary version in 2004 just about decent enough to get away with it, the other two updates were just... no.
1989's Band Aid II was a Stock, Aitken and Waterman mess with a hugely dated sound, and stars like Bros and Sonia not exactly replicating Paul Young and George Michael.
2014's Band Aid 30, meanwhile, was a rather lacklustre affair, with altered lyrics, strange artist choices (Sinead O'Connor and a few YouTubers for no apparent reason) and little fanfare in comparison. We bet you forgot it even happened.
Band Aid II - Do They Know It's Christmas? (Official Video)
All I Want For Christmas Is You (SuperFestive!) (Shazam Version)
You know what everyone loves? Mariah Carey's 1994 Christmas classic.
You know what everyone didn't want? Mariah Carey's 1994 Christmas classic updated to feature Justin Bieber.
The Wombles with Roy Wood - I Wish It Could Be A Wombling Merry Christmas Everyday
Love Wizzard? Love The Wombles?
How about fusing them together to create a chorus that simply doesn't fit and sounds totally wrong. Almost so ridiculous that it's good.
Jive Bunny And The Mastermixers - Let's Party
In 1989, the nation became strangely obsessed with this partying rabbit DJ, which fused a load of oldies using one generic drumbeat. It was a simpler time.
To capitalise on this, he almost scored that year's Christmas number one with a megamix of Christmas classics all in one, from Slade to Wizzard to... Gary Glitter.
Bob Dylan - Must Be Santa (Video)
We desperately want to enjoy Bob Dylan's festive collection Christmas in the Heart, but...
Bob's unique drawl works on moving folk gems, but on tunes like 'Winter Wonderland' and 'Here Comes Santa Claus', it just feels like some sort of weird fever dream.
21st Century Christmas
It's easy to mock Sir Cliff for his Christmas efforts over the years, but you can't deny that 'Mistletoe and Wine' and 'Saviour's Day' were classics.
'The Millennium Prayer' is incredibly divisive, and even 'Santa's List' was decent enough. But this 2006 number two hit didn't exactly have staying power. Sorry, Cliff!
The Idols happy xmas war is over
In the years before The X Factor took a stranglehold on the Christmas number one, Simon Cowell didn't always time it right.
The second series of Pop Idol in 2003 ran over into early 2004, meaning there wouldn't be a winner's single at the top for Christmas. Instead, all the forgettable finalists teamed up to cover John Lennon's peace anthem, with obviously terrible results.
John Denver ~ Please Daddy Don't Get Drunk This Christmas
The most depressing Christmas song of all time comes courtesy of this bizarre album track from John Denver in 1973.
We love a bit of a drunken merriment (see The Pogues), but this is a toughie to listen to.
Christina Aguilera - Oh Holy Night
Christina Aguilera has an amazing voice, without doubt. But like many top singers, she can't help but sometimes turn a beautiful melody into a dreadful warbling noise.
Case and point: her version of the carol 'O Holy Night'. Our ears!
NewSong - The Christmas Shoes
An outright strange song by Christian country group NewSong, here. The music video alone is a sight to behold.
If you can't bare to listen to it (we don't blame you), the song recounts the events experienced by a man finishing the last of his gift-shopping on Christmas Eve. He is waiting in the checkout line behind a young boy who wants to buy a pair of shoes for his terminally-ill mother.
She will die soon and he wants her to appear nice before Jesus. However, he is short on money and the singer pays for the shoes, reminding him of the true meaning of Christmas.
Lady Gaga - Christmas Tree FULL VERSION [feat. Space Cowboy] Super HQ
An innuendo-filled pop nightmare from someone who usually knows better!
We're still hoping for a full album of 'actual' Christmas songs from Gaga one day, because this is bordering on diabolical.
Fast Food Rockers - I Love Christmas
This actually reached number 25 in the UK chart.
New Kids On The Block - FUnky, Funky Christmas(Arsenio Hall)
Can you imagine listening to the entirety of 'Merry, Merry Christmas' every single December? We bet there's at least one die-hard NKOTB fan that does.
Highlights include 'Funky, Funky Xmas' and 'This One's for the Children'. We'll hand it to them, at least the majority of the album was original songs they wrote themselves. If that counts as a good thing.
R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas
For any Star Wars fans out there who think that The Last Jedi was the worst thing that has ever happened to it, think again.
Not only was there the dreadful Star Wars Christmas TV special, but there was also this 1980 album Christmas in the Stars.
The album features Star Wars-themed Christmas songs and stories about a droid factory where the robots make toys year-round for 'S. Claus', starring C3PO actor Anthony Daniels. Why? Don't worry about it.
The Cheeky Girls - "Have A Cheeky Christmas" - OFFICIAL Music Video from 2003 (UK)
It's easy to forget that the Cheeky Girls had a surprising amount of hit singles, despite being the joke act from Popstars: The Rivals who didn't even reach the live finals.
We're not sure what constitutes a 'cheeky' Christmas, but we assume it involves skimpy hotpants and a general sense of shame.
Keith Harris & Orville - White Christmas
Yep, this happened.
Basshunter - Jingle Bells (Bass) (Out NOW)
Christmas in Blobbyland
Two years after his Christmas number one triumph, Noel Edmonds and Blobby tried it again, but this time they barely made the top 40.
The reason? Because it was this weirdly sombre ballad that still terrifies anyone who heard it to this day.
Crazy Frog - Last Christmas
It was bad enough that Crazy Frog somehow managed to score a top 5 hit with a version of 'Jingle Bells' in 2005, but a year later 'he' dared to cover Wham!
Amazingly, enough people bought this monstrosity to get it to number 16. We're almost impressed that it happened at all.